The questions linger in your head, even when you try to ignore them.
“Why don’t they want me? What’s wrong with me?”
The truth is, it’s not always about you. It’s not that something is wrong with you. It’s not that you did or said anything wrong. It’s not that you drove them away. They just didn’t want to be part of your life. And that hurts. It painstakingly and irrevocably hurts.
You wonder if only you had said more, or said less. If only you had tried harder, or played it cool. If only you had been more open or been more aloof. If only you had been precisely what they were looking for, even if that meant changing who you were.
I need you to ask yourself why you want someone who doesn’t want to be with the authentic, genuine version of yourself that you’re working so hard on every day? I know that the answer is you want them, and you want them badly. Feelings drive us to do crazy things. A sense of connection can push us to believe we have to do anything to keep it alive. The possibility of “what if?” convinces us to bend the “what is,” in order to make it happen.
Yet I need you to ask yourself again, why do you want someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Because what if you did change? What if you did become the person they were seeking after? Then what? Because that person isn’t who you are- it’s an idea. That means you have to keep up that idea for as long as you’re with them. It means you spend every moment with them not being yourself.
Because if you think for a moment that you can pretend to be someone different, until they get comfortable enough to know the real you, and then try to be the person you’ve always been? It’s not going to last. They aren’t going to stay. Heck, they may not even stay if you keep being the fake version of yourself- they may decide they want something different.
We want people because they make us feel something incredible. They fill our minds and our hearts, and we love that. We love that this person is with us right now. We are willing to do so much to keep it that way. Yet the good news is, there are billions of people on this planet. You haven’t met even a fraction of them. This person may not want you, and that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.
You can’t make them want you. You just can’t. Maybe they have their own issues. Maybe they aren’t in a healthy state to appreciate what you have. Maybe you’re not in a healthy state to be what they need. Maybe they just have different preferences that don’t add up to you- and that isn’t a sign that you’re broken or need to change. It means that one person, out of everyone on the planet, doesn’t want to be with you. And that while it feels like it, it’s not the end of the world.
I know that either way, it sucks. You’re allowed to feel hurt. You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to wish that things were different. You’re allowed to wish they wanted you. It’s not a crime. It’s not a sin.
But you also have to get to the other side, where you realize this doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of love. This doesn’t mean you’re undesirable. That you’re unlovable. You can’t let this one person dictate how you see yourself for the rest of your life. They are just a person. They aren’t a god. They aren’t the end-all and be-all of your happiness. They are not the only chance you will ever have to find connection, love, and joy. There are others out there who want you for exactly who you are. You will find them. They will find you. You have your whole life ahead of you, so why waste it on someone who isn’t worth the time?
You can’t make them want you, but I promise that one day, you won’t even want them to.